She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
