3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
