I just cut my nipple shaving
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
