Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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