he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
