All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
