Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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