oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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