Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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