so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
