So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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