she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
