I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
