So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
