i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
