I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You are a genius and a whore.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
