Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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