remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
