I wish my penis had an off switch
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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