End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
