if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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