I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
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I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
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he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If I die, sorry about rent.