The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Not as such, no.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole