I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
you will always have a special place in my vag
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.