I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
