so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
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I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
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I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me