They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
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i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
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Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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