you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
