I wish my penis had an off switch
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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