I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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