I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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