nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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