Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
