my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
