my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
