Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
