just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
