Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
