Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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