so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
