He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
