I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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