We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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