if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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