A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
