Taylor Swift is so right about you.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She told me I should be a condom model.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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