Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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