there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
