dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
