anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
This is my gift to your gina
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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