Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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