his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
