Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
