My girlfriend figured out who you are.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
