found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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