I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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