I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
