just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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